To answer this question, we first need to understand human anatomy, i.e., what we are made of, what friendship means, what winning it means psychologically. Let me first start by giving a short primer on Vedic conception of who I am and my components.
Vedic Psychological Anatomy: A Primer
I am articulating here, a subset of the comprehensive Vedic model of life. This model is an amalgam of descriptions from various Vedic sources - Upanishads, Sankhya, Tantra, Ayurveda in particular. However, I adopt Sri Aurobindo's interpretation of these due to its academically palatable presentation for modern audience. A summary of his interpretation can be found in this excerpt from the Life Divine. My articulation is based on my understanding of this description.
I am paramaatman, the essence of everything. Though I am joy itself and need not acquire it by effort, I manifest the universe as various expressions of my innate joy and to experience them, create condensed forms of myself called koshas or sheaths. I create and uphold a projection of myself as embodiment of joy, the aanandamaya purusha. That purusha in turn expresses himself as innumerable cosmic principles or dharmas symbolically represented as vijnaanamaya purushas. They are also called jiivaatmans. Each vijnaanamaya purusha works out the implications of his principle by creating and upholding a series of approximate ideas or standpoints. These are symbolically represented as manomaya purushas or kaarana shariiras/causal idea bodies. The manomaya purusha in turn spawns a condensed expression of itself in conscious energy or praana. This condensed form of itself is its praanamaya kosha. It is also called suukshma shariira/subtle body. The praanamaya purusha in turn builds up and upholds a material form called annamaya kosha or sthoola shariira for the sake of physical interaction and experience.
So in summary, I who am 1) eternal delight express myself in progressively grosser condensed forms as 2) cosmic principle, 3) its approximations as mental ideas, 4) their realizations as a series of births of conscious beings with 5) physical bodies. Behind my physical form there are these four subtler forms of myself upholding and sustaining it. This is shown pictorially in the above picture.
I am a cosmic principle, an idea, a group self, a self-asserting life force as well as a physical body.
Each of these koshas or aspects of me is normally preoccupied with striving for its own existence, assertion and expansion. Whenever a kosha tastes success in its effort, it feels satisfied and at ease momentarily, letting the innate delight shine through. This is what the kosha experiences as happiness or sukha.
It is the turbulence of a kosha that prevents the continued experience of bliss that is native to the inmost self. So the secret of lasting joy lies in not getting entangled in the cravings of the koshas but giving them the energy to operate while remaining detached, as a witness.
The Grades of Joy
The joy of vijnanamaya kosha is in the triumph of dharma.
Manomaya kosha has two components: buddhi/intellect and manas/community self (family, team, nation etc). The joy of buddhi is in establishing harmony and self-consistency of abstract ideas, e.g., a scientific discovery or solving a puzzle. The joy of manas is in the triumph of the community or its members.
The joy of praanamaya kosha is in the triumph of the individual such as winning, domination, expansion of power etc.
The joy of annamaya kosha is physical health, longevity, survival.
Feeling joy when a beloved succeeds is manomaya aananda. Feeling joy when I individually succeed is praanamaya aananda.
The purpose of existence is aanandaanubhuti, experience of bliss. Anything has a value to the extent it gives joy. If one sees no scope for joy in any kosha, then one wants to commit suicide.
Incidentally, my koshas are my forms of substance active in the 7 realms of conscious existence also called the sapta lokas or 7 worlds. Annamaya kosha is in bhuu loka, praanamaya in bhuvarloka, manomaya in svarloka, vijnanamaya spanning mahah and janah lokas aanandamaya in tapoloka and my supreme self in satyaloka. The 7 chakras are conduits or junction points for communication and energy interchange across the lokas or realms of conscious existence.
Now let us talk about winning friends.
Understanding Friendship
Normally we consider someone as our friend if he/she wishes our welfare. Someone who contributes to our joy is our friend and who contributes to our grief is our foe.
The motive for others to help me is twofold: transactional vs. communal friendship. Transactional means they give me joy if I give them joy in return. This is praanamaya aananda exchange. Communal means they include me as part of their communal self. They feel my sukha/duhkha as theirs. Here there is no expectation of a return favor. Hence my praanamaya aananda is their manomaya aananda. This is a more intense bond. Example is what a parent feels towards the child or what a cricket fan feels towards the team or what a patriot feels towards fellow citizens.This kind of communal friendship can be aroused. How? By an act of sacrifice. That is, by doing something that brings joy to a person without any personal benefit or expectation in return. A selfless act causes the recipient to include us in his/her communal self. After that, our joy/sorrow becomes the recipient's. This is the method to arouse team/organisational consciousness in individuals.
How to Win Friends?
How to win lasting friends? One method is by a selfless act. A selfish act on the
other hand may create transactional friendship. Every selfless act will
make the friendship even stronger. The joy given through the act can
belong to any kosha - intellectual help, emotional help, empowering help or physical help.
A second basis for inclusion of others in one's communal self is commonality of interest, i.e., if someone likes what I like. Again the commonality could be preferences in any of the koshas - same ideology, religion, role model, sport, food, etc.
A third powerful way of communal bonding is playing team games, or doing
activities together where there is no personal motive of winning over
others. When engaging in an activity together, unless there is an ego
clash, a praanic bond develops akin to what family members naturally
are born with. This aatmiiyataa forms the basis for developing the
communal bond which is a manomaya identity. This is the method adopted by Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) in uniting people. RSS swayamsevaks become lifelong friends by playing games together, not due to ideological compatibility as normally thought.
In summary, the basis of friendship lies in expanding our sense of communal self or manomaya kosha to include others. It is the stepping stone for regaining my original stature of universal embrace. We yearn for friends because feeling others is an expansion of our awareness beyond our individual ego, and there is joy in every expansion.
The technique to influence others is to find ways for giving joy in doing what we want them to do. Joy is the ultimate currency and the ultimate wealth that everybody is after. Physical wealth is only a means. The four purusharthas or seekings are merely means to achieve the ultimate purushartha i.e., Ananda.
Case Study: India's Foreign Policy
In the dog-eat-dog world of international politics where self-interest rules the roost, India is showing the way of keeping global interest above self-interest through its covid response and its G20 presidency. It has won the trust and friendship of many nations via altruistic response to their problems. It is awakening the manomaya kosha of nations for the first time. Watch this talk by Dr. S. Jaishankar (India's external affairs minister) on the international response to Chandrayaaan and G20.
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