Emotional Sponge: What it is, Why its need is felt and How to become one

We all have feelings that we would like to express without fear of being criticized. But there are some feelings that are not considered GOOD but we still go through them. Expressing them makes us feel lighter.

For example, suppose I feel angry at someone. I want to say I am angry. But the moment I say it, I am given a lecture on why I shouldn't be angry etc. Suppose there is someone with whom we can express anything, good or bad, and the other person will not only hear us, but empathize with our viewpoint and gently suggest other ways of looking at it without showing that I am a moron? Such a person is my emotional sponge. It is not a piece of wood or someone who says 'you're right' all the time. Such a person is not fun. Someone who values my feelings and not hurt my ego, but gently nudges me to progress. So an emotional sponge is someone who takes my emotional punches, helps me dissipate my emotional energy without hurting me.

Why do I need such a sponge? Because I am unable to detach from my feelings and observe them as a saakshi, not identifying myself with them. That's why I am compelled to express them to dissipate their energy. But I don't want to incur the negative consequences of expressing them as they are unpleasant. That's why I look for an external help to serve as my sponge.

A better way is to learn to observe my feelings as if they are just waves in a sea. Then they won't affect me and dissipate by themselves. I don't need an external sponge then.

How to become an emotional sponge for someone? By learning how to become an empathetic witness without judging people according to my standards. You cannot be a passive witness. You have to love the person to be his/her sponge. Otherwise it's a sham and won't work. Many people love their own opinions more than others. They cannot stop judging others and hence cannot be effective sponges. Emotion means anubhuuti or experience and is the realm of manas. The other aspect of ourselves is buddhi - intellect or our judgement faculty.

Though men and women both have these aspects, women have a stronger intensity of emotional experience than intellectual judgement. That is their preference, not ability. Hence women naturally feel more the need for a sponge than men. Men are preoccupied in their buddhi more than manas by their psychological makeup. For the same reason, men are less effective as sponges, as they jump into judgement easily and give solutions, which is not the right thing to do for a sponge. But once a person matures in the ability of detached observation he/she can serve as a good emotional sponge.

The need for an emotional sponge is acutely felt by teenagers due to their overflowing energy and inability to handle it by themselves. The best sponge for them is an understanding parent, and not an external counsellor. Otherwise they will fall prey to anyone that exhibits care, and lures them into infatuation.